


Light

by hannahbellee



Series: Don't Weight [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, don't try to fix your friends eating disorder ffs, hunter clarington has emotions, poor treatment of mental illness, probably OOC Hunter tbh, technically they're over the age of consent but they are under 18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 14:19:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14833898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahbellee/pseuds/hannahbellee
Summary: Recovery sucks. No really, recovery really fucking sucks. Sebastian doesn’t want to do this. But the school nurse and Hunter don’t really give him a choice.





	Light

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy trigger warnings for disordered eating. Mention of numbers. Mention of a bunch of problematic shit. Written in a half-dissociated way that may be triggering for some. Please proceed with caution. Annnnd Hunter is probably OOC so um. Sorry about that.

Recovery sucks. No really, recovery really fucking sucks. Sebastian doesn’t want to do this. But the school nurse and Hunter don’t really give him a choice.

Hunter is pretty clueless at first. Sebastian doesn’t even know why he lets Hunter take control. He thinks it’s because he just has no energy. He just wants to sleep all of the time.

The first day, when he gets his test results back, when he’s three pounds from having his parents called, Hunter gives him an enormous meal and almost forces it down Sebastian’s throat. Sebastian doesn’t know how he does it, but he gets most of the huge, disgusting meal into Sebastian. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Sebastian throws it up within the hour. It’s not intentional though; Sebastian just isn’t used to eating so much and it hurts. It makes him sick.

“You made yourself do that, didn’t you?” Hunter accuses when Sebastian is done vomiting and has slumped back into their room.

The thing is that Sebastian really hadn’t. It’s like his body is his friend and hadn’t wanted to keep the food there. He curls up on the bed, rubbing his sore stomach; he still feels incredibly unwell, and his throat burns and his stomach is throbbing. Eventually, Hunter believes him when he says he didn’t force himself to vomit.

Then Hunter starts researching, glasses perched on his nose. Sebastian falls asleep, exhausted, curled on the covers, hands clutching his stomach. He wakes up briefly when he feels Hunter pull his electric blanket over him, feels Hunter sit beside him with his laptop. He falls back asleep to the sound of Hunter typing, clicking at his mouse. Sebastian only notices the comforting warmth of his body beside his achingly cold one.

The next morning, while still in bed, Hunter pulls out some printed paper. Sebastian is still sleepy, but it seems that Hunter had spent the night researching. Sebastian isn’t even sure that Hunter slept; every time he’d woken, Hunter had still been there, the light of the laptop a blue glow in the otherwise dark room.

Hunter apologises for forcing Sebastian to eat so much, says he knows now that that wasn’t the right approach. He then tells Sebastian that he wants him to gain 20 pounds. Twenty. Is Hunter fucking insane? He says they can do it slowly, increase by a few hundred calories at a time. Sebastian has never counted a calorie in his life, but Hunter tells him he’ll be choosing the food and Sebastian just has to trust him and eat.

Sebastian just has to trust Hunter.

He’s just not sure he can do that.

*

When Sebastian drops another pound overnight, Hunter says that they’re not having sex again until Hunter feels like he can touch Sebastian without breaking him.

Sebastian breaks a lamp.

*

The next awful, cruel thing he does is says Sebastian can’t run. In theory, Sebastian knows Hunter can’t control him. But Hunter is a scary bastard, probably scarier than the voices in his own head.

In the end, they reach a compromise. Sebastian is allowed to run, but only with Hunter. And Hunter does a measly 2 miles per day, if that. And they’re slow miles. Sebastian wants to kill him, but Hunter says that Sebastian will kill himself soon if he doesn’t listen. So Sebastian listens.

Hunter says when he’s gained five pounds he’s allowed to go running again.

Sebastian doesn’t argue, because he knows that Hunter is right. He just wishes he wasn’t.

*

Then, Hunter discovers the fucking Ensure. He orders a bunch of it online (with Sebastian’s credit card; when had he stolen that?) and it comes within a few days. Hunter makes a new rule that Sebastian has to drink at least one per day, two if he has rehearsal or lacrosse training.

It tastes awful. It makes him feel sick. It’s making him fat; he feels like he’s literally drinking lard, and it’s all going to his stomach and thighs. In fact, he knows it is; his abs aren’t as highlighted anymore.

Hunter ignores his protests, and sets his lunch down in front of him each day, and sits across from him and makes sure he eats it all.

*

Hunter has improved really. He understands that trying to give Sebastian normal portions straight out makes him sick. He watches what Sebastian eats, and then gives him a slightly bigger serving; it’s only a few extra mouthfuls at first. When Sebastian has adjusted to that, when his stomach can handle that much, he increases it minutely again.

Then, he starts putting cream in Sebastian’s morning coffee. He won’t let Sebastian make his own coffee either, apparently.

“What the fuck is that?” Sebastian argues when he sees the creamy mix in his usually black coffee.

“You’re not drinking Splenda again. That shit is awful,” Hunter says flatly.

“I’m not drinking fat,” Sebastian insists.

“It tastes better with cream, rather than cancerous sugar.”

“I’m not drinking it.”

“Then no coffee for you.”

It takes a week of exhaustion and intense headaches before Sebastian drinks the fatty coffee. He won’t admit it, but it does taste better this way.

*

He’s gained seven pounds when Hunter fucks him again. It’s been weeks, but he hasn’t been entirely deprived. They still blow each other most nights, thank fuck. But Hunter is disgustingly gentle with him, when all he craves is hurting, and rough, and violent, because somehow that feels like relief, and release, and absolution.

Despite Hunter saying he won’t fuck him until he felt like he wouldn’t break him, Hunter sure fucks him like that. He’s slow, and pressed up tightly behind his back, his mouth at Sebastian’s neck and his arms around Sebastian’s chest (because Sebastian won’t let him touch his stomach), like a hug. He fucks slow, and Sebastian is almost in tears by the time he finally comes, shaking from the intensity of it all.

It’s entirely unlike them, but Hunter holds him after, his arms wrapped around him. Sebastian hesitates to think it, but it’s the first time he’s felt… safe… in a long time.

*

Hunter being… affectionate is weird as shit. He isn’t sure he likes Hunter being gentle. Sebastian doesn’t know what to do with it. He isn’t sure he likes the weird feelings in his stomach when Hunter gives him a tiny smile over breakfast; maybe there was something wrong with the food.

 *

Sebastian feels some of his snark and bitter and mean come back and it feels like breathing again.

*

“What are you, his boyfriend?” Nick jokes one day over lunch after Hunter has placed Sebastian’s meal in front of him.

“I’m his captain, and he’s my vice,” Hunter says stiffly. “He’s useless if he can’t fulfil his duties because he’s sick.” His shoulders relax slightly, and he smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Besides, Smythe doesn’t really do boyfriends.” He nudges Sebastian and Sebastian huffs a laugh.

They don’t really know, but they’re not stupid. Hunter has been supervising almost all of his meals for months now, and on the few occasions he hasn’t, he’s asked someone else to. Nobody asks questions, but Sebastian knows they know. He resents them for it. He resents the looks of pity, and concern.

Because in his eyes, he’s _fine._ He’s concentrating better. He’s sleeping better. His brain doesn’t feel as foggy. He’s eating everything Hunter puts in front of him, and last weekend, Hunter had even taken him out for a milkshake and burger. He had even gotten halfway through the burger before he felt sick, and Hunter hadn’t even glared him into eating the rest.

He’s doing fine. Hunter is even letting him run more now. He’s back to helping with Warblers practice and he’s doing well in classes again. Even the nurse has asked to stop seeing him twice a week.

Doesn’t that mean he’s fine?

*

He’s up 12 pounds when it all goes to shit again. He can’t do it. He can’t do this anymore. He just… he can’t. He hates himself, and he hates Hunter, and he hates being fat. He hates feeling sick, and he hates that he can’t make himself throw up because he’s got his damn voice to worry about, and, he can’t take anymore of this.

He yells, and breaks things (because he has the energy to do that now), and Hunter just watches him with raised eyebrows, as if he’s a child throwing a tantrum and he’s just patiently waiting for it to finish.

And somehow, that makes Sebastian even more furious. He’s always so fucking _calm_ and emotionless, like Sebastian isn’t ripping apart before his eyes. He finally storms out in his running gear, and runs until it stops hurting, runs until every part of him aches, and he wants to be sick, and then… he runs some more, just to make sure.

Hunter isn’t there when he comes back. Hunter doesn’t come back until very late, and when he does Sebastian can smell the alcohol from across the room. Sebastian is curled in bed, hating himself, and when Hunter doesn’t climb into bed with him, he hates himself a little more.

*

“I can’t do this anymore,” Hunter tells him the next morning, sitting across from him on his own bed. Sebastian feels sick. Hunter is… giving up on him? As if he’s reading his thoughts, Hunter continued with “I’m not giving up on you yet, you stubborn bastard. But I can’t do this alone. So. I’ve spoken to the school counsellor, and he thinks you need better help.” He passed a card across the small space to Sebastian. It’s for a clinical psychologist.

“I don’t want to,” Sebastian argues but his excuses fall flat with the hard look that Hunter gives him.

He sees the psychologist later that week, Hunter driving him so he can’t sneak out and not do it. It’s okay. He doesn’t see the point, and he doesn’t like the questions, but after Hunter blows him for the first time since his fit, and sleeps in his bed again, so… he supposes he has that going for him.

*

The school year is nearly at an end. He’s still only up the twelve pounds, and he can’t seem to gain any more for the moment. Hunter seems… accepting of this. He sees Sebastian eating, says he’s eating enough and that eventually his body will recalibrate.

He fucks Sebastian harder now, but not like he hates him anymore. It’s weird and not really their old MO, but Sebastian loves it. He hasn’t slept alone in his bed either, even though it’s getting hotter. Instead, they just turn the AC up a bit, and Hunter spoons him most nights. Sebastian never thought he’d enjoy snoring in his ear… but here he is.

Loathe he admit it, but he’s a little scared of what’s going to happen without Hunter. Hunter isn’t watching him like a hawk anymore and he seems more relaxed now that Sebastian is seeing the psychologist every week. He even trusts Sebastian to go to those sessions on his own now. Sebastian kind of misses Hunter taking him though, particularly on those days when he leaves therapy feeling wrung out, and like he needs to run himself sick.

They place at Nationals, which is some small miracle in itself. Hunter had been distracted, and so had Sebastian, but they manage and after, Hunter kisses him in front of everyone, his hands holding Sebastian’s face like he might be something precious. He does that, sometimes, and Sebastian’s stomach always flips, even when he hasn’t eaten something knew.

Hunter gets into pre-law at NYU; Sebastian gets into architecture at Columbia. He doesn’t know why that makes him feel less scared.

*

He feels some kind of relief when his mother tells him she and his father are going to be away for at least a month over the summer break. For a while, he feels excited. Without anyone home to watch him he can lose weight again. He can run. He can smoke. He doesn’t have anyone there to make him eat. He feels positively heady with the excitement.

So really, he’s not sure why, but he admits to Hunter just as they’re falling asleep that his parents will be away for the summer. Hunter sleepily says, “That’s fine, you can just come spend some time with me in the Hamptons.”

That… feels like a good idea.

*

It never really goes away. At least, it doesn’t for a long time, and his therapist tells him that that’s okay. There’s always a dark, insidious voice trying to push him back down the path. He hates that voice and relishes it at the same time.

Somehow Hunter’s flashing looks of disappointment, and sadness, keep the voice at bay. Sebastian has never really cared about loving himself; but he can look after something of Hunter’s. He hates to see those tiny looks when he almost relapses, hates the way Hunter will fuck him like he’s made of glass, hates the way Hunter’s face will go from open and earnest and smiling, to closed and detached. He _hates_ it more than he hates himself. So he manages. He pushes through. He eats the thing, and doesn’t run himself down. Too much.

There’s always a part of him that will be a self-punishing little shit.

But at least he’s a self-punishing little shit that with an ass that Hunter gropes almost every time he’s in grabbing distance. And sometimes, Hunter will cross distance, just to grab it. So that’s nice.

It isn’t always _easy_ , but it does get easier.

He’s in his second year of college when it finally hits him; it’s 2am and midterms and the pair of them are studying and living on coffee and pizza (Sebastian eats pizza now – but it has to be the good stuff, not that cheap crappy shit you can buy on the street).

“Wait, are we boyfriends?” They’ve been silent for the last few hours and his voice is overly loud in the stark silence.

Behind him he hears Hunter snort. “Where the fuck did that come from?”

Sebastian turns in his chair to look at him, frowning. Their study is cramped and the backs of their chairs almost touch. When he turns around he can feel Hunter right there, and Hunter leans back in his chair, quirking an eyebrow at Sebastian. His expression is smug, and Sebastian can’t decide if he wants to punch or kiss that stupid face.

“I just realized… We live together. We’ve been fucking for like, nearly three years. I haven’t slept alone in that long. You take me out for milkshakes after almost every therapy session. And you hold my hair when I vomit from drinking too much tequila. Not to mention the almost constant-fucking. That sounds pretty boyfriend-like to me.”

Hunter gives him a quietly incredulous look, as if he can’t believe Sebastian would be so stupid.

Maybe he’s going crazy. It is late, and he is seriously lacking in sleep and exams are the fucking worst.

“We’ve been boyfriends for nearly three years, you idiot.” Hunter drawls, as if Sebastian is slow.

“We have?”

“We say that we love each other at least once a week.” Again, that look on his face, incredulous, and amused, and smug.

“I thought that was in the bro way.”

“Oh my god, I’m dating an idiot,” Hunter mumbles turning back to his own mountain of textbooks.

Sebastian sits grinning for a moment before Hunter sits up again. “Okay, idiot, we’re going to bed.”

When Hunter fucks him into the mattress, he doesn’t fuck him like he’s made of glass, or like he hates him anymore. He’s rough in all the ways that Sebastian loves, and makes him shout into the pillows so they don’t get another noise complaint, and when he touches Sebastian’s stomach, Sebastian doesn’t flinch away now.

It isn’t easy; but it is okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh… well, this fic ended up taking years and years to write. I’ve attempted it numerous times, and it was super hard because… well. I was aware of ED’s before but now I’m SUPER aware of them and once I finish my Masters, hope to go into ED research… So writing this realistically, vs sweet romantically… was hard. 
> 
> So please excuse the inaccuracies. ED recovery is NOT easy and NOT straightforward. And it's definitely not something fixed just by eating more - people usually take years and years and years to recover, and for many of them, it's always still there. There are a lot of responses we get when we begin to starve ourselves, and love does not cure an ED. Love can sometimes make us worse. Everything in this fic should be taken with a grain of salt. Also, the school TOTALLY would have called his parents and there is NO FUCKING WAY a teenager should be taking care of another teenager in this way. But. Yanno. 
> 
> If you are suffering from an ED, please get help. You’re worth more than you know, and you have value, regardless of your weight. 
> 
> Also. Am on [Tumblr](https://wildlyclearjellyfish.tumblr.com/) where I am mostly stucky trash. I don't really play in Huntbastian anymore, but I did want to finish this. Thank you for all the love and support I got on this before.


End file.
